If you thought your job was bad...

A couple nights ago we had a knock on our door. We are settling in to our new house so I was excited that perhaps the neighbors were coming over to say hello. I opened the door to two people resembling the White Stripes, and thought it was nice of them to stop by to say hello. I happen to enjoy their music so it didn't bother me they were interrupting my dinner. Before I could get the word "hello" out of my mouth, the male (I'll call him Jack) shoved a clipboard in my face and explained how they are promoting a store opening in our area by giving out free carpet cleanings. He proceeded to flip through the pages of the clipboard with the names of others who had signed up for the service. I realized each name was signed in the same handwriting, (definitely Jack's) but seeing as how our carpet was 30 years old I figured it wouldn't be that bad to get it cleaned. Especially for free. Jack goes on to say he has a woman ready to come in for the job and they will be back in a second, which is when I realized there was a windowless cargo van parked on the street in front of my house. I closed the door, walked into the kitchen where my wife was making dinner and didn't know what exactly to expect. She was worried (shocking, I know) but I knew I could Chuck Norris these people if they got out of hand. It's not every day you can have 30 year old carpet cleaned for free. To make a long story short, the Stripes come back with some older man, because the woman they said had an appointment just come up (sure she did). He looks like the tall skinny guy from the Drew Carey show, just a bit more drugged out. This guy comes into my house, when dinner is getting warm, 8:45 on a Saturday night, trying to sell me a Kirby vacuum. For $2500! He goes through all the accessories, how we won't need to buy any other vacuum for 50 years, even how his mother's obsession with cleaning led him to buy a Kirby years ago. He even vacuums a spot on our carpet, using our vacuum, 104 times. Literally counting to 104 on each push and pull of the vacuum to show us how poorly it worked. After an hour and a half of listening to him go on about this vacuum and its infinite glory (and after giving this man a beer to boot) I had to tell him; "Sorry man, I just can't spend $2500 on a vacuum." You've never seen a more dejected look on a man's face. I could see him wondering why I didn't enjoy vacuuming as much as he did, why I didn't think this Kirby vacuum was the most unbelievable piece of equipment ever to be sold door to door. He offered me payment plans, price reductions, free merchandise...all to try and get me to buy his vacuum. Finally, after being faced with the realization that he had wasted an hour and a half of sales pitch, he started shampooing my carpet (an optional accessory with the Kirby). At this point, I've played my game with Drew Carey Guy. He's cleaned my carpet, and I'm happy to have gotten work done for free. To my dismay, Meg White rings my doorbell! You bitch! Not only are you a poor drummer, but it's after 9 on Saturday night and you're still trying to get me to buy this damn vacuum! She goes on to explain again the reasons we need it, with lines like "You won't even miss $60 a month" or "You spend that much on beer (as I was drinking one at the time) why not on our product?" "Sorry," I said, "but we don't have that kind of money for a vacuum." By 9:30 I was able to get Meg and Drew Carey guy out the door. The silence preceding their exit while Drew Carey guy disassembled the vacuum still resonates in my head to this day. Needless to say, dinner that night was cold, with a hint of "what the hell just happened here?" And no, we do not currently own a Kirby vacuum. I have no plans of vacuuming in the near future.